Saturday, March 27, 2010

In Which Our Heroine Writes An Open Letter to Her Boyfriend

(*If you don't know, James Franco and I live together under YA Elevensie author Carrie Harris's bed.)

Dear James,

I know we live together and everything, so this means we should be honest. I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings. I never meant to. This is only for the your good and the good of mankind's.

Your writing sucks.

I know you're getting your Master's in Fine Arts at NYU for Creative Writing, and I am SO proud of you for this, but...that story in Esquire? Not cutting it. It sounds like a freshman in an undergraduate 101 class wrote it, not you, my handsome, hot boyfriend. And I know you think that I shouldn't talk because I'm not in your class and I don't know what other people wrote (and you probably think my writing sucks), but I just wanted you to know.

You can do better.

So listen, James, the next time you want to submit something like that to Esquire or anywhere else, let me read it first. Let me edit it. Let me give you my comments. Let's fix it before it's "shit" as Michael says in the short story.

I love you and because of that I'm willing to tell you this. You can write better, you can do better, you can be better. I know you have it in you to rock the short story world with your awesomeness and I have no doubt you will. But for right now? Please sit in a 101 course and see how your short story is similar to some of the students' works there. You need to observe to learn. All writers observe (and you know this), but I don't think you've ever observed that class. You need to work harder, push yourself and open yourself up.

By the way, I'm still mad you won't give me an ARC of PALTO ALTO. Stop hoarding them. Its not nice.


P.S. When are you going to ask me to marry you? Its getting to be a while now!


  1. ahahahahahahaha


    *dies a little*


    *hiccups as she hobbles away*

    (also: what about ME?? marry ME, instead!!)

  2. Dear James,

    Listen to Rachel, honey. Rachel = SMART. Oh, and please stop pulling the sheets off my bed while I'm sleeping. I know you think it's funny, but it's NOT.